Mad World
by Tod 1166
Summary: When Ragna wakes up next to a certain liutenant, and is promptly attacked after that by our vampire princess, he sets of to find out just what the hell is going on. Slight crack, first attempt at a story, oneshot, implied Ragna/Rachel.


**Mad world**

**Ok, well, this is my first attempt at a story. Not particularly well executed, I know, but I hope it gets at least a chuckle out of someone. Criticism is always accepted!**

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Another morning was underway for the 13th Hierarchical city of Kagutsuchi. Even though it was late December, the climate control Ars, that kept the temperature at a constant all year 'round, enhanced the weak rays of the sun enough to wake up our lead, Mr. Grim Reaper himself, from his slumber.

Waking up with a hangover was something Ragna wasn't exactly accustomed to. What with his busy schedule of NOL branches to destroy, he hadn't had the time to properly develop a feel for the stuff. Coupled with the fact that the 13th Hierarchical city was somewhat famous for its breweries, and our young hero was now stuck contemplating who the woman next to him was, while dealing with a headache to make even the Black Beast-

"_Wait a moment, who the hell is this chick?",_ though Ragna, while trying to remember what exactly took place last night. _"Oh yeah, that's right. That dumb cat thing nearly got us caught at the restaurant." _Said incident, to which Mr. The Bloodedge was referring to, involved a misunderstanding on who exactly was handling the payment for the food at the establishment they were dining at. Not wanting to be caught in such a pathetic way for eating and running, Ragna had scooped his feline companion Tao up, and had ran for dear life. Once the threat was gone, both had gone their own ways, and incidentally, his lead to a local bar. At that time a patron suddenly began treating him to drinks, and in his tired, half asleep state, he had accepted. The rest of the night was a blur to him.

"Ow! Goddamn it!" our protagonist exclaimed, as he stubbed his toe in something metal while getting up. Looking down on the offending object, he noticed it was a gun, and not a small one at that. "That chick really needs to learn to pick up her junk, I almost-"

Just now he was noticing the clothes discarded everywhere, but while that fact did not strike him as unusual, it was the garments themselves which triggered a response. They were the blue uniform, usually carried by the soldiers of the NOL. _"Ah Crap!"_ Ragna said to himself, as he quickly scanned the room for his own garb. _"Ok, calm down, Ragna. You've slept with a Library chick, you don't know where you are… My sword!"_ Having located his weapon casually discarded under some clothes, our hero now at least was relieved to know he had offensive options should his sleeping companion wake up. Quickly donning his attire, he made an effort to sneak out of the room, while his fair haired friend was still sawing logs.

_"Damn it! What's with me? That chick could've smoked me, if she got up first. I must be getting sloppy or something.",_ our white haired protagonist though. The thing that puzzled him, though, was the uncanny resemblance said "chick" shared with his sister. "Strange… Oh well. Another day, another branch to turn to rubble" And with a final stretch, Ragna the Bloodedge headed out of the building to get his bearings straight. After all, NOL branches didn't collapse on their own, usually.

All the while from the darkness two eyes were burning holes in the back of our hero's head, the eyes of a certain elegant gothic princess.

* * *

"Hey, what the-"

"Baden Baden Lilly!"

"Quit it, Rabbit!" Ragna exclaimed.

He was confused. While walking down the street, he suddenly felt a hostile presence, and before he could blink, random lightning bolts were striking dangerously close to him. It was at that point he noticed his attacker was none other than Rachel Alucard, spoiled vampire princess, extremely powerful outsider, and currently the last person he expected to see. But her behaviour was unusual. Gone was the calm composure and aristocratic air around her, replaced by seething anger, and a determination to turn him into a Ragna roast with Azure seasonings.

"Be silent, and take your punishment like a man, you insect!"

"Wait a minute! Punishment for wha-"

"Ah! How dare you try to dismiss your deed as unworthy of notice! Do you take me for a fool? Sword Iris!"

"Damn it, Rachel, you're not making any sense! Slow down a bit, and while you're at it, stop attacking me" Ragna wasn't sure how much more he could take. It was as if she was fighting him with all of her power.

"You demand an explanation, while it is I who should be receiving one? My patience is at an end, Mr. Grim Reaper... Very well. It is only appropriate you fully understand the greatness of your folly before suffering the consequences. It all has to do with that… that… THAT harlot you spent the night with! The nerve! How dare you chose a mere mortal woman when you know I am always here for you! Always watching over you! I-" and that was when our princess noticed Mr. Grim Reaper's absence, in his place – a sign stating "Back in 10".

"Why the nerve of that man! He shall have hell to pay once I get my hands on him!" and with a swirl of darkness, Rachel teleported to, well, wherever she teleports to, after going in that swirl of darkness. Her companions were so frightened that they didn't even peel a word, for fear of becoming the focus of their mistresses' newfound anger.

All the while, one certain Ragna the Bloodedge, was thanking the Heavens he remained unfound. He honestly did not believe the concealing Ars he used to turn himself into a sign would even work on a being such as Rachel, but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth, much less question the fact why he still lived. Only now that he was alone did he note some second degree burns, which weren't healing for some reason.

"Damn, I should really get these examined somewhere…" though our hero, while collapsing from his wounds.

* * *

Before he knew it, Ragna was awake at what seemed to be a clinic of some sort. It certainly smelled the part, at least. Looking around, he noticed a woman sitting next to his bed. A rather well endowned woman at that, who seemed to be slightly red in the face.

"Oh, I see you're finally up. Those burns you had were pretty nasty. Don't worry though, you're ok now. Mhmhmh." the woman laughed to herself.

"Hey uh, thanks, Doc. I owe ya one. But if ya don't mind, I think I'll be taking my leave and-"and it was at this point our hero noticed he was strapped to the bed, by a rather strong holding Ars. "Hey! What the-"

"Hush now, Mr. Grim Reaper. We wouldn't want you to get hurt now, would we?" said the woman with an evil smile on her face. "While you are my patient, and I am entitled to care for you until you're better, you're also a wanted criminal, not to mention one with the highest bounty on his head in the history of the NOL."

"Wait! You can't just hand me over to the Library!" _"Man, this day is going from bad to worse with every second. What's next, I become someone's pet?"_

"Well then, you'll just have to do something for me in exchange!" said the mad doctor with the panda in her hair. "I won't ask for much anyways, and I'm not exactly buddy-buddies with them, so it'll be win-win for both of us!"

"Yeah, fine, whatever you say, doc! Can you just, uuh, let me go now?"

"And let you run off at the first chance? No way!"

And with that our fine doctor took a syringe from a near by trey, testing the clearness of the needle by squeezing out a single drop of clear liquid.

"Hey, what are you-? OWW! What the hell!" Ragna yelled as the needle was jammed into his hand.

"Don't worry, big boy. It's just a little homebrewed poison, it won't start acting up until after a few hours."

"WHAAAAAAT!"

"You'll be fine until then, though I advise against strenuous activities like fighting or running. We don't want it to spread prematurely now, do we?"

"You're nuts, Lady!" stated the obvious, Ragna.

"I'll give you the antidote, if you agree to my turns. Promise." said Litchi with an evil smirk.

"Ok, fine. What are your terms?" replied our hero, defeatedly.

_"Should've let the NOL chick book me." _

For the past few hours, Ragna the Bloodedge had donned several different outfits, which the crazy doctor seemed to just keep around for no apparent reason. First he'd tried on a black sleeveless shirt with fishnets underneath, white pants and strangely, a wristblade, which pointed backwards. Somehow, he felt even weaker than before, like he could fall in even less hits than usual. Next up was what seemed to be an old uniform, with a white and red colour motif, The belt buckle read free, while the headband had "Rock You" inscribed on it. Overall he didn't mind it, although the "prop sword" that came with it felt like it was made of concrete. Finally-

"Ok, Doc, enough's enough! It's been four hours now, can you just give me the antidote, so I can go? Besides, this nun's outfit makes me feel weird." said our poor protagonist.

"Oh, come on!" moaned Litchi. "It looks so cute on you! Now here, take these yo-yos and this teddy bear, and be ready to strike a pose, once I'm back with more film for the camera."

_"I gotta get outa here! Poison or no, I-" _and that is when Ragna noticed the syringe from earlier was sitting near him. Only now did he see there was writing on it, which upon further examination stated: "Placebo solution. Why does that sound… Ohh, that bi-"

"Is everything ok there, Ragna?"

"Uuh, yeah, Doc, everything's fine!" _"Ok, now I really gotta get outa here!"_

And without thinking of his current attire, Ragna hastily grabbed his sword and promptly jumped out the nearby window.

"Here I cooome!" sang Litchi as she entered the room. "Aww, he got away. Darn it."

* * *

Running as fast as he could, while ignoring the reactions of passer-bys', Ragna didn't stop until he noticed the city landscape was replaced by trees. He would've kept running, had a familiar voice not called out to him.

"Whoa, whoa there, kid! Where's the fire!" The voice belonged to a cat that stood on its hind legs. It was garbed in what looked like a yellow hooded raincoat, and strapped to its back – a slender sword.

"Oh, master Jubei, sorry, I didn't notice you at first", panted our hero, while trying to catch his breath.

"Never mind that, kid. What I wanna know now is what the hell's up with your clothes? I didn't know you were into drag" said the cat with a smirk.

"What are you-? Aw man! I left my coat at that crazy doctor's place! No way am I going back there!"

And so Ragna shared his misadventures with his old master. Jubei merely nodded and let his former apprentice finish his story, although he had to bite his tongue in order to not choke in laughter from the poor boy's tale.

"Well, Ragna, as crazy as it sounds, the only advice I can give you now is to seek out Rachel's help"

"The hell? No way! I barely lost her the last time! I don't wanna- OW!" yelped Ragna, as his master hit him on the head. "The hell!"

"Listen kid, she's the only one who can help you now, so take it or leave it, your choice."

"*Sigh* Fine, but if she kills me, I am SO gonna haunt you, old man!"

"Dully noted" responded the feline, while smirking. "Now get!"

* * *

_"Great. How do I even find her?" _"Hey, Rabbit! You here?" Ragna screamed into the night air. He really had no idea how to get a hold of Rachel, as every one of their encounters saw her going to him, not vice versa. Fortunately (or not), soon enough he felt that familiar glare at the back of his head.

"What do you want?" Rachel coldly asked.

"Umm, yeah, about earlier today. Look, I'm sorry, it's just that today's been one hell of a day, and I'm really confused and… I was wondering if you could help me out here" stumbled Ragna.

"Of all the nerve! How dare you after everything that's happened! Why, I, I-" the poor girl was in tears, and shaking.

"Hey, Rachel, get a hold of yourself! What's going on?" Ragna felt more confused with each passing second.

Suddenly, when Rachel turned to confront him, it was not her face he saw, but Taokaka's glittering eyes and sharp teeth.

"Don't you get it Good Guy? You're having a dream!" and with that, she promptly chomped down on his head.

* * *

"GAAAH!"

Ragna woke up panting and screaming, a cold sweat all over him. Light was streaming from the nearby windows. He was sitting in a vast bed. The room was still slightly blurry.

"Awake already Mr. Reaper?" a voice, coming from the door asked him.

"Oh, it's just you, Rabbit. Man, I had the most weird-"

"I was left with the impression that after our shenanigans last night you'd be sleeping in till noon, but it seems I underestimated you."

"… !

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**Author's note: Yeah, the ending seemed a bit forsed, but oh well! I must say, I rather enjoyed writing something, for a change. Again, hope you enjoyed, or at least weren't very offended at my style of writing. Eheheh. **


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